Pregnancy Without Your Mama

For the past 22 weeks, I have thoroughly enjoyed my pregnancy. Though this pregnancy has not been the easiest on my body and health, it has been the most beautiful season of my life. I still cannot believe I have been chosen to be these two little miracles’ mama, and I welcome and relish every change within my own body. I am blown away at each of their milestones; each ultrasound, and I cannot believe the amount of love I can hold in my heart for these two little beings.

I won’t lie, though, there is something missing. My mama.

She’s not here to guide me when I am deciding whether or not to go to the ER. She isn’t here to help me pick out colors for the nursery. She isn’t here to plan my baby shower (though this is WELL taken care of by my loving friends and family!). She isn’t here to feel my babies kick and move. She isn’t here to see my belly swell with life. She isn’t here to offer Jimmy advice. She isn’t here to talk to my brothers about the excitement of becoming uncles. And, she won’t be here to teach my babies how to make her famous chocolate chip cookies…like she always wanted and talked about.

These are devastating facts when you lose your mother, your guiding light, so young. But I know she is here with me in spirit each day, and I do believe she was fostering and loving my babies in Heaven before they were sent to me. And for that, I am so grateful.

The other day I confided in Jimmy how much I am missing my mama. It’s not a topic that is easy for me to talk about, because this is such a joyous season, and the thought of not sharing it with her physically is so debilitating. Per usual, his response was perfect. One of his favorite moments of this pregnancy was when I shared the news with him, and he said that another thing that makes it so perfect was that my mom knew first. She shared that moment with us, and knew it was going to happen before we did. The way Jimmy describes this feeling is so comforting.

sneaksHer legacy also lives on through the thoughtfulness of other people. Recently, my cousin and his wife sent me a pair of little girl sneakers. The shoes have certainly been lived in; there are many stories and miles that come with them. But, they are so special because my mom had sent them along as a gift when they were expecting their daughter. Matt and Kylee don’t know this part, but I actually remember my mom buying them. She got them this particular pair of shoes because they reminded her of the Airwalk style sneakers Matt used to wear. My mom never just bought a gift; never just crossed something off her shopping list in desperation. There was always thought and love behind each gift, and these cute little pink sneakers are no exception to that. I haven’t been able to find the words to say thank you to Matt and Kylee yet, but I hope they understand how appreciated their gesture is. Any story or thought shared of my mom is important and special to me.

To sum up this incomplete thought…it’s really hard to go through life’s most beautiful moments without your mama. Especially when the one you were blessed with was just so wonderful. If you have a story to share of my beautiful mama, please feel free to leave it here. She lives on in each memory <3

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