When I started this miniseries, I promised to write our story. And this is a very intimate look at the beginning of our struggle when it was very exciting…and racy. So, if you don’t want to know about this part of it, then stop reading. Like now
I have wanted babies as long as I can remember. When I was younger and people asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, my response was “a mommy” (or a housewife hehe ). So, shortly after our honeymoon (in July 2010) I came off of “the pill” – which I had been on since middle school (for medical, girly reasons). I knew that it takes some women a long time for their bodies to adjust after stopping the pill, and I wanted my body to be ready as soon as my husband was. At this time I also began taking prenatal vitamins, as my mom told me that every woman of childbearing age should be taking them.
In February 2011 Jimmy said that he was ready to “pull the goalie”. OH. HOT. DAMN!! I remember the excitement we both felt the first couple of months. I remember wondering “was that the time?” “could I really be pregnant?” “will I know right away?”. It was an amazing time for us as a couple, too. If I ever felt sick or tired Jimmy would do things like raise his eyebrows and point to my belly. Or say the names we have picked out for our children. Or tell me he “gave me the good stuff”. Or, on our walks to the park, he would say he couldn’t wait for when he would be holding Monte (our dog’s) leash while I push a baby carriage. Or tell me it might be my last glass for a looooong time if I had wine with dinner. It was a great time to be in the “honeymoon stage” of our marriage; we were enjoying every moment while thinking fondly of our future.
I also remember during this time the “when are you going to have babies?” question not bothering me. I would smile and say “sometime soon!” or something of the sort. I was also very excited when other people announced their pregnancies! Jimmy and I would talk about sending our children to school together, or going on play dates, and enjoying…or hating…pregnancy together (with said couples).
Then, in the beginning of the summer of 2011, I did the worst thing I could do; I let fear enter into the equation. I decided that I didn’t know enough about my cycle, fertility, eating habits, sperm counts, sex positions, homeopathic remedies, and the list goes on and on and on. I set out to understand everything I could about conceiving a child.
At this point, I was already blown away by the fact that we hadn’t yet conceived. Those nagging questions of: “how can we have had this much unprotected sex and not gotten pregnant?”, “what are we doing wrong?”, “is there something wrong with me? with Jimmy?” began racing through my head. Every. Day. And, like I said before, I knew that it takes some women up to a year to adjust after taking birth control, but I also knew women who had gotten pregnant their first month off of it. As more fear and confusion entered, I realized that I was losing the happiness and eager anticipation I had enjoyed for so long. These negative thoughts then lead to the next phase of our struggle: the obsession.